Transform unpleasant arguments |
If everything was always peachy, we'd never change a thing. Whenever you find yourself thinking "this sucks," you can be sure that a positive change is on the horizon because you've already begun thinking about what is needed to improve the situation.
Sometimes it has to "suck" before we make the request for a positive change.
Once we begin taking the necessary steps which bring improvement, "all that sucks" is about to transform to fit the ever changing needs of our lives. This information will correct the most commonly "missed steps" which lead to positive change.
Sometimes it has to "suck" before we make the request for a positive change.
Once we begin taking the necessary steps which bring improvement, "all that sucks" is about to transform to fit the ever changing needs of our lives. This information will correct the most commonly "missed steps" which lead to positive change.
It's important to ask for what you do want. If you are already doing this and positive changes haven't happened yet, perhaps you are missing some of the "Necessary Steps" which follow asking.
Look at the man pictured to the right.
Does he look ready to accept
positive change?
Absolutely.
If he is asking for positive change, he appears perfectly posed for asking and for receiving the change he's requested.
Guys, you already know how to get ladies to go along with your suggested positive changes. Compare how you've been asking to that of asking a lady to marry you. Do you approach her in the same loving way?
Look at the man pictured to the right.
Does he look ready to accept
positive change?
Absolutely.
If he is asking for positive change, he appears perfectly posed for asking and for receiving the change he's requested.
Guys, you already know how to get ladies to go along with your suggested positive changes. Compare how you've been asking to that of asking a lady to marry you. Do you approach her in the same loving way?
Does this guy look ready to accept positive change?
All too often, people get stuck on the past, feeling too angry and focused on the "sucky times" to accept the positive changes they've asked for.
This could discourage improvement of any kind because your anger and/or bitterness teaches others that they can't win, no matter how hard they try to please you. When they realize this, they may stop trying all together and they will likely begin trying to avoid you instead.
Would you rush over to "hang out" with this guy?
The man pictured appears to be listing all the things he doesn't want over and over. This won't bring the positive change he is really hoping for, however, he could scare many people away. He definitely didn't propose to his wife this way or he wouldn't be married at all.
Remember these facial expressions in all your other relationships too.
(parent-child, co-worker, employers, friends, relatives, strangers, etc.)
Do you want to be feared or cared for? Perform regular self assessments to be sure that your actions, words and facial expressions are in alignment with your answer.
All too often, people get stuck on the past, feeling too angry and focused on the "sucky times" to accept the positive changes they've asked for.
This could discourage improvement of any kind because your anger and/or bitterness teaches others that they can't win, no matter how hard they try to please you. When they realize this, they may stop trying all together and they will likely begin trying to avoid you instead.
Would you rush over to "hang out" with this guy?
The man pictured appears to be listing all the things he doesn't want over and over. This won't bring the positive change he is really hoping for, however, he could scare many people away. He definitely didn't propose to his wife this way or he wouldn't be married at all.
Remember these facial expressions in all your other relationships too.
(parent-child, co-worker, employers, friends, relatives, strangers, etc.)
Do you want to be feared or cared for? Perform regular self assessments to be sure that your actions, words and facial expressions are in alignment with your answer.
When something sucks enough to ask for a change... it became clear that you didn't like it simply by asking for something different.
Remaining angry, holding grudges and mental lists of all wrong doings is NOT in alignment with positive change.
Moving passed those feelings is important, staying in them will stunt the growth of the improvement you really want.
Remaining angry, holding grudges and mental lists of all wrong doings is NOT in alignment with positive change.
Moving passed those feelings is important, staying in them will stunt the growth of the improvement you really want.
Focusing on "Bad Stuff" makes the "Good Stuff" seem invisible. | Nobody can change the past OR make up for those things ... The past will never change, no matter how long you dwell upon it.
In the photo below, if the driver was thinking about the past, the windshield he sees the present through would then become like Past-Colored Glasses. |
Past-Colored Glasses
This is the opposite of wearing rose-colored glasses, which make everything look better.
If you keep looking at the past, fearing how it causes hurt today... you'll see everything through "past-colored glasses," everything will look like your painful past repeating itself. Doing this ensures that you will only have more of the same to look forward to.
Leave the past in the past so you may be free to live in a more positive present.
If you want a positive change, concentrate on the positive change you really want and add that to your day instead.
This is the opposite of wearing rose-colored glasses, which make everything look better.
If you keep looking at the past, fearing how it causes hurt today... you'll see everything through "past-colored glasses," everything will look like your painful past repeating itself. Doing this ensures that you will only have more of the same to look forward to.
Leave the past in the past so you may be free to live in a more positive present.
If you want a positive change, concentrate on the positive change you really want and add that to your day instead.
The Scale of Life
The picture located to the right shows the Scale of Life.
You get to choose how your life turns out... starting right now.
It's very simple, this is how it works: Whatever you focus on becomes more.
Do you usually spend more time thinking and feeling about the Negatives or the Positives?
Every thought & feeling you have sets your focus on either one. Know that whatever you focus on becomes more. If you focus on one more than the other, it quickly begins to show in your present life.
The picture located to the right shows the Scale of Life.
You get to choose how your life turns out... starting right now.
It's very simple, this is how it works: Whatever you focus on becomes more.
Do you usually spend more time thinking and feeling about the Negatives or the Positives?
Every thought & feeling you have sets your focus on either one. Know that whatever you focus on becomes more. If you focus on one more than the other, it quickly begins to show in your present life.
Negative Focus Example:
If a Husband yells angrily at his Wife, she will likely respond in a negative way; she may argue, hide, cry or tell him how much he sucks too.
When he focused on the negatives, he directed her attention to focus upon the negatives as well.
Negatives become more.
Now that that they are both focused upon the negatives, their relationship becomes further strained as this fight adds yet another negative to their relationship (their combined life scale). Continuing to use this method of requesting positive change often leads to divorce.
If a Husband yells angrily at his Wife, she will likely respond in a negative way; she may argue, hide, cry or tell him how much he sucks too.
When he focused on the negatives, he directed her attention to focus upon the negatives as well.
Negatives become more.
Now that that they are both focused upon the negatives, their relationship becomes further strained as this fight adds yet another negative to their relationship (their combined life scale). Continuing to use this method of requesting positive change often leads to divorce.
Positive Focus Example:
If the Husband had assumed first that his Wife wants to have a happy marriage, then he would know that she would want to implement solutions to improve their marriage.
Focusing on solutions in a loving appreciative way, without anger, she would have focused upon the positives with him and been more likely to meet his request for positive change.
They both want the same thing... a positive happy life together. As they focus upon a happy life together, the path which leads to improvement continues to present itself and they happily continue walking together on their journey.
Communicate only in ways which actually produce the results you really want.
Wanting to say something about what you didn't like isn't wrong... it's what inspired you to make the request for a positive change. Communicating solely from this standpoint, however, is never recommended.
If the Husband had assumed first that his Wife wants to have a happy marriage, then he would know that she would want to implement solutions to improve their marriage.
Focusing on solutions in a loving appreciative way, without anger, she would have focused upon the positives with him and been more likely to meet his request for positive change.
They both want the same thing... a positive happy life together. As they focus upon a happy life together, the path which leads to improvement continues to present itself and they happily continue walking together on their journey.
Communicate only in ways which actually produce the results you really want.
Wanting to say something about what you didn't like isn't wrong... it's what inspired you to make the request for a positive change. Communicating solely from this standpoint, however, is never recommended.
Ask yourself:
What is my goal?
If you answered #1 or #2, please come back when you are ready to improve your life.
Positive Communication
Answering #3 means that you are ready to accept that it is never all one person's fault.
Expecting another to change, while refusing to hear their requests, ideas or suggested solutions is not a relationship... it's a dictatorship.
What is my goal?
- To Fight: who's right vs who's wrong
- My Way or the Highway
- To Make Things Better
If you answered #1 or #2, please come back when you are ready to improve your life.
Positive Communication
Answering #3 means that you are ready to accept that it is never all one person's fault.
Expecting another to change, while refusing to hear their requests, ideas or suggested solutions is not a relationship... it's a dictatorship.
Relationship = Team
Whenever dealing with another person, make sure to view your relationship with them as being on the same team. Both want your team to win and are willing to do what it takes to make sure that happens.
Whatever you say to another, ask yourself:
How would I feel if someone said that to me?
Words can hurt more than anything, so be sure that your words are kind, without accusation or name-calling.
If you wish to make requests for Positive Changes, you should also be willing to listen.
Remember that a dictatorship is controlled by one and a relationship goes both ways.
Whenever dealing with another person, make sure to view your relationship with them as being on the same team. Both want your team to win and are willing to do what it takes to make sure that happens.
Whatever you say to another, ask yourself:
How would I feel if someone said that to me?
Words can hurt more than anything, so be sure that your words are kind, without accusation or name-calling.
If you wish to make requests for Positive Changes, you should also be willing to listen.
Remember that a dictatorship is controlled by one and a relationship goes both ways.
Make sure that you ASK in a way which is:
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You'll quickly discover that asking this way works much better!
Be sure that your expectations are reasonable prior to making a request of anyone. What is reasonable and easy for you, may be difficult or impossible for another.
For instance, if your spouse has ADHD and struggles with holding focus to and completing paperwork, it would be unreasonable to request or expect your spouse to suddenly complete these tasks with ease.
You may feel frustrated, however, you accepted this going into the marriage.
If you had married a blind person, would it make sense to be angry with your spouse later because they still can't see your face?
For instance, if your spouse has ADHD and struggles with holding focus to and completing paperwork, it would be unreasonable to request or expect your spouse to suddenly complete these tasks with ease.
You may feel frustrated, however, you accepted this going into the marriage.
If you had married a blind person, would it make sense to be angry with your spouse later because they still can't see your face?
Have you been acting on your anger toward someone simply because their limitations are different than your own? If you have, a sincere apology would be the appropriate way to begin your next conversation.
After you've determined that your requests are reasonable, ask as soon as conveniently possible.
It's not a good idea to stew about things for a long time, that's how little things begin seeming much bigger than they really are.
After you've determined that your requests are reasonable, ask as soon as conveniently possible.
It's not a good idea to stew about things for a long time, that's how little things begin seeming much bigger than they really are.
Think of this like ordering a pizza for delivery, it's that easy!
Once the request is made properly...
Release the negative feelings and feel happy.
Be ready to gratefully accept the positive changes which are on the way.
Not doing so, could result in rejecting that which you ordered in the first place!
Hopefully you didn't give up before you ever placed a proper order.
In relationships, this will go smoothly, once you understand how to interact and communicate your requests. If you had been placing orders improperly, everything you asked for was probably waiting on your doorstep for quite some time, much longer than a delivery boy with a pizza would wait.
Release the negative feelings and feel happy.
Be ready to gratefully accept the positive changes which are on the way.
Not doing so, could result in rejecting that which you ordered in the first place!
Hopefully you didn't give up before you ever placed a proper order.
In relationships, this will go smoothly, once you understand how to interact and communicate your requests. If you had been placing orders improperly, everything you asked for was probably waiting on your doorstep for quite some time, much longer than a delivery boy with a pizza would wait.
Your Choice:
1.) Will you open the door and invite him in so that you may Accept the pizza you ordered?
OR
2.) Will you scream through the door that he was late the last few times you ordered pizza and make him run for cover?
Which way do you get the pizza you wanted?
The choice seems simple when it's just a pizza.
It sucked to feel hungry... so you ordered a pizza.
Accept the solution you ordered when it arrives and enjoy the benefits of feeling satisfied by eating the yummy pizza.
1.) Will you open the door and invite him in so that you may Accept the pizza you ordered?
OR
2.) Will you scream through the door that he was late the last few times you ordered pizza and make him run for cover?
Which way do you get the pizza you wanted?
The choice seems simple when it's just a pizza.
It sucked to feel hungry... so you ordered a pizza.
Accept the solution you ordered when it arrives and enjoy the benefits of feeling satisfied by eating the yummy pizza.
Why do people make this so complicated?
Sadly, it's because they are still angry and they don't expect their "pizza" to come, so they aren't open to accepting it when it arrives.
Often they scare the "delivery boy" away and discourage them from attempting to make future deliveries to their address.
Pizza Delivery person would say, "Gee Buddy, You ordered the pizza, do you want it or not?"
If you are still angry, he will leave with your Pizza. Do that a few times and your address would be flagged as a place not to take orders from again, because you never accept the pizzas you order anyway.
Sadly, it's because they are still angry and they don't expect their "pizza" to come, so they aren't open to accepting it when it arrives.
Often they scare the "delivery boy" away and discourage them from attempting to make future deliveries to their address.
Pizza Delivery person would say, "Gee Buddy, You ordered the pizza, do you want it or not?"
If you are still angry, he will leave with your Pizza. Do that a few times and your address would be flagged as a place not to take orders from again, because you never accept the pizzas you order anyway.
Have you been rejecting "pizza deliveries" in your personal relationships?
Most people would say no, but in reality the answer is we've all done this.
Here's a sure way to tell if you rejected "pizza" that you ordered...
When thinking about the situation:
a.) Do you feel happy & excited that your "pizza" is on the way now that you've placed your order? Soon you won't feel hungry anymore, your mouth is watering with anticipation of eating yummy pizza!
OR
b.) Do you still feel angry with Pizza Delivery person, expect them to screw it up or not deliver at all, probably because they don't care that you are hungry and it feels like it's a personal attack on you that the "pizza" wasn't right before!
Most people would say no, but in reality the answer is we've all done this.
Here's a sure way to tell if you rejected "pizza" that you ordered...
When thinking about the situation:
a.) Do you feel happy & excited that your "pizza" is on the way now that you've placed your order? Soon you won't feel hungry anymore, your mouth is watering with anticipation of eating yummy pizza!
OR
b.) Do you still feel angry with Pizza Delivery person, expect them to screw it up or not deliver at all, probably because they don't care that you are hungry and it feels like it's a personal attack on you that the "pizza" wasn't right before!
If you still feel upset and angry... How can you ever expect to have a healthy relationship with your pizza delivery boy?
Their job is to deliver what you ask for, they wouldn't be in the business if that wasn't true.
If you've remained angry and unforgiving, you didn't open the door to accept your pizza.
Who's Fault is it if you've gone hungry?
This gave you more reason to feel angry at the "pizza delivery boy?"
Seems kind of silly, doesn't it?
Don't feel too bad about it, with record high divorce rates, it's obvious that many people have made the same mistakes in their personal relationships and continue placing blame on their partner for not delivering.
It takes TWO to complete a Delivery:
1.) Pizza Delivery Person bringing the "pizza"
2.) Hungry Customer who first placed the order, who then opens the door to gratefully accept the "pizza" when it arrives.
Their job is to deliver what you ask for, they wouldn't be in the business if that wasn't true.
If you've remained angry and unforgiving, you didn't open the door to accept your pizza.
Who's Fault is it if you've gone hungry?
This gave you more reason to feel angry at the "pizza delivery boy?"
Seems kind of silly, doesn't it?
Don't feel too bad about it, with record high divorce rates, it's obvious that many people have made the same mistakes in their personal relationships and continue placing blame on their partner for not delivering.
It takes TWO to complete a Delivery:
1.) Pizza Delivery Person bringing the "pizza"
2.) Hungry Customer who first placed the order, who then opens the door to gratefully accept the "pizza" when it arrives.
These "Pizza Delivery People" we have personal relationships with are our loved ones.
A spouse would not have become your spouse, unless they were in the business of wanting to "deliver pizzas" to you. They want to have time with you that is enjoyable and doesn't include getting yelled at or feeling bad.
Why not give them the opportunity to deliver that "pizza," isn't that what you really wanted?
It's a choice:
Keep doing what you've been doing... (no pizza)
OR
Try something new while striving towards and working together to reach a Positive Goal ... (24/7 all you can eat pizza buffet!)
A spouse would not have become your spouse, unless they were in the business of wanting to "deliver pizzas" to you. They want to have time with you that is enjoyable and doesn't include getting yelled at or feeling bad.
Why not give them the opportunity to deliver that "pizza," isn't that what you really wanted?
It's a choice:
Keep doing what you've been doing... (no pizza)
OR
Try something new while striving towards and working together to reach a Positive Goal ... (24/7 all you can eat pizza buffet!)
Click photo to enlarge.
It's sad how many marriages dissolve without ever trying just one session of marriage counseling. All of these things come from communication problems.
If your relationship is at risk, we hope this information will help you to communicate in healthier ways so you may enjoy a happier life together.
If you still struggle, please don't give up "your pizzas" before trying marriage counseling.
If people would remain as hopeful and committed to their spouse as they are to their favorite NFL Football Team... divorce would likely become a rare event.
If your relationship is at risk, we hope this information will help you to communicate in healthier ways so you may enjoy a happier life together.
If you still struggle, please don't give up "your pizzas" before trying marriage counseling.
If people would remain as hopeful and committed to their spouse as they are to their favorite NFL Football Team... divorce would likely become a rare event.
Already on the "Don't Bother Trying" List?
If no one is still waiting in the front of your house, try to remember how long they waited there. How long did they wait for you to calm down enough to "accept a pizza?"
Delivery was attempted. You don't have to feel angry or hurt anymore, your door was closed and locked up tight, but they did still try, didn't they? You may have even called them mean names through the door like, "Oh you... Betty Crocker!"
If no one is still waiting in the front of your house, try to remember how long they waited there. How long did they wait for you to calm down enough to "accept a pizza?"
Delivery was attempted. You don't have to feel angry or hurt anymore, your door was closed and locked up tight, but they did still try, didn't they? You may have even called them mean names through the door like, "Oh you... Betty Crocker!"
They stopped trying to deliver to your house, but only because it proved impossible... you stopped accepting deliveries and you successfully scared them away.
Perhaps an apology is in order, some pizza shops are more forgiving than others.
Either way... please do learn from it, so you won't make the same mistakes next time.
We sincerely hope you've learned to "enjoy your pizza."
Sending much Love & Light, Namast'e
Perhaps an apology is in order, some pizza shops are more forgiving than others.
Either way... please do learn from it, so you won't make the same mistakes next time.
We sincerely hope you've learned to "enjoy your pizza."
Sending much Love & Light, Namast'e
Written by: Jennifer Kruse, LMT CRMT
Jennifer is a Hands-on Holistic Healer, Inspirational Teacher, Speaker & Writer
known as the "Caterpillar Whisperer" (Why? Click Here)
Click to Visit: Jen's Blog OR Jen's Audio Blog
Like this?
Available for Speaking Events, this topic and many others.
Jennifer is a Holistic Healer, Teacher and Practitioner of many Alternative Medicine Modalities. Jen Enjoys Helping People Connect & Understand Aspects of SELF in a Profound Healing Experience.
Helping YOU Transform Your Life!
Interested in scheduling an Event or Class?
Call Jen at (701) 371-3111 www.JenniferKruse.com www.Aspire2Heal.com
Jennifer is a Hands-on Holistic Healer, Inspirational Teacher, Speaker & Writer
known as the "Caterpillar Whisperer" (Why? Click Here)
Click to Visit: Jen's Blog OR Jen's Audio Blog
Like this?
Available for Speaking Events, this topic and many others.
Jennifer is a Holistic Healer, Teacher and Practitioner of many Alternative Medicine Modalities. Jen Enjoys Helping People Connect & Understand Aspects of SELF in a Profound Healing Experience.
Helping YOU Transform Your Life!
Interested in scheduling an Event or Class?
Call Jen at (701) 371-3111 www.JenniferKruse.com www.Aspire2Heal.com
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