You don't change the PAST,
But you do change the FUTURE!"
Sometimes it's difficult to forgive others... but it's not really something you do FOR SOMEONE ELSE, it is something you do for YOURSELF.
I've heard that NOT FORGIVING someone is like drinking a deadly poison & expecting it to hurt your enemy.
Nobody is Perfect.
Everyone Makes Mistakes.
They Can't Change What They Did, None of Us Can!
Why let past hurts POLLUTE your Present & Future?
Every hurt kept within the heart is like another gray veil covering the head...
It makes the whole world appear a little bit darker!
Yesterday I wrote about some of the personal struggles in my life.
I wrote about my Husband and some of the things he had done in the past.
All things I figured out, forgave him and then tried my best to make it better for everyone.
I forgave him for things he did LONG BEFORE I knew him...
Was it MINE to forgive?
This is the part about forgiveness that is so important to understand.
It is up to ALL OF US to FORGIVE EVERYONE for what they've done.
Forgiving someone does NOT excuse what they did.
Forgiving is NOT about making or accepting excuses.
Forgiving does NOT mean that you agree with what they did at all.
Forgiveness comes from Compassion
Compassion comes from Understanding
I could see how much HURT My Husband had kept in his heart...
it infected his life til that very moment. It alterred his perception of events, while he fearfully lived his life expecting more of the same.
Living with that much hurt had resulted in HIS CHILDREN living out what he feared most for them... but I KNOW he didn't want that for them!
He loved his kids and wanted to protect them from the pain he experienced as a young boy. That's all he could see.
I don't believe he could see that he was causing it OR that the path he chose for them was MUCH WORSE than the path he had. I believe that he truly thought he was protecting them from being hurt, when he actually was the one hurting them all along.
I UNDERSTOOD IT.
I looked at the situation from EVERY ANGLE, in an attempt to see EVERYONE's SIDE of the story. I could see that he still thought he was protecting them. I knew it would take time for him to slowly realize their biological mother really loved them and would NEVER hurt them. He feared that she would tell them HER SIDE of the story and try to turn them against him!
It took alot of convincing to get him to ALLOW ME to give the kids their biological mother's email address and phone number! I warned him that they would eventually find her anyway... it's better to do it now and help them mend their relationship with her, rather than wait til they were adults and found her on their own. He reluctantly allowed me to do it, as long as she agreed NOT to try to turn them against him.
He feared she would steal the kids from him by telling them horrible things about HIM... but isn't THAT exactly what he had done to her?
I could see that he still saw parenting as a war. It was difficult for him to imagine raising children with someone peacefully. He was disturbed by the fact that I had such a great relationship with my daughter's father. It's not like we were buddies. We just didn't hate each other.
I could see HER SIDE too. As a Mother, it was hard to imagine what that would be like. I truly felt compassion for her & wanted to help make the situation better as quickly as possible!
It was sometimes difficult for me to feel compassion for my Husband in this situation, because I also saw this from the KID's SIDE.
I adopted these three children...
They Are MY CHILDREN and I DO LOVE THEM!
As a Mother, we sometimes feel PROTECTIVE of our children, don't we? :)
When I saw how much they had been hurt
They were still hurting so badly...
it took GREAT RESTRAINT to hold back my Mama Bear Instincts!
Like Moms do...
I looked ahead, considering the possible outcomes of this.
They already didn't trust women.
Simply saying the word "Mom" left a nasty taste in their mouths.
The kids loved me, but they didn't REALLY TRUST ME. How could they? Based on past experience, it was only a matter of time before I suddenly left and they never saw me again, right?
How would that affect THEIR RELATIONSHIPS in Adulthood?
Teenagers already... they were dating. The warning signs of trouble ahead were all there! Something needed to be done, because I could see how this OLD HURT could potentially INFECT THEIR FUTURES too!
Looking at my Husband... deep down inside I saw a little boy who didn't believe that Moms ever REALLY would love their children.
I cried for that little boy.
I thought perhaps that little boy was also responsible for the trouble in our marriage. He didn't trust women either...
How could he TRUST that I REALLY LOVED HIM?
This made it SO MUCH EASIER to Forgive him for the mean angry things he sometimes said and did. I would try not to see him on the outside, but instead... I tried to see the little boy inside who was just yelling because he was scared that maybe I didn't love him. I tried to replace whatever he said in anger with, "I'm really afraid you don't love me."
It helped in my attempts to STOP REACTING defensively.
His childhood perception was sad, but not exactly accurate.
He was only 4 years old, he couldn't know or understand the whole story.
He thought his Mom never came back for him, but she did.
I was there when she told him the story about the day she came to take them with her... his older brother convinced her that it was better to let them stay there.
Was she a Perfect Mom?
No... but nobody can be perfect. We all make mistakes!
I've spent time with His Mother, SHE LOVES HIM!
I doubt his Father would claim perfection either... but HE LOVES HIM too!
We all occassionally hit some bumps in the road of life.
Consider a drowning person...
they thrash around violently, often injuring the life guard who is attempting to save them. Is it their fault? No, they were just scared and desperately trying to survive!
None of us can see clearly when we are in the middle of a struggle, but we do the best we can at the time. Later, if we realize that mistakes were made, we can't change it.
We can only learn from it, try to make things better and keep going.
In order to leave old hurts behind...
Forgiveness is Required!
I beg for Forgiveness...
but not for myself.
I hope that my children & everyone who reads this will:
See it as I did
Learn from it
Apply it to YOUR LIFE and
PLEASE FORGIVE My Husband.
He truly has not known what he has done.
If not for him... then PLEASE do it for yourself!
Everything does move in a Circle.
When you send forgiveness into the circle...
It touches everyone in the circle,
It continues growing larger
It Comes Back To YOU!
written by: Jennifer Kruse, LMT CRMT
Like this article? Jen is available to SPEAK on this topic and many others. As a Holistic Healer, Teacher and Practitioner of many Alternative Medicine Modalities, Jen helps people connect & understand aspects of SELF in a profound healing experience. Helping YOU Transform Your Life.
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