As parents, we all want our children to be healthy & happy. How can we provide this for them in spite of a divorce?
Here's some pointers that have proven to be successful years down the road...
"Mom, I don't remember you and my Dad fighting, not one time."
I laughed and informed her that we did fight but she didn't need to know about that stuff. She was three years old when we divorced, she's nearly 21 years old now.
I explained that I had a realization when we separated and called her Dad with it. I said, "I've realized that I Love my Daughter MORE than I dislike you right now, figured you probably feel the same. So I propose we make peace with each other, because SHE is the most important person involved here. We have a daughter to raise, let's do it together."
He agreed to that.
Every time I began to feel upset, I asked myself, "Is it more important than my daughter?" No. Then I'd let it go without a huge fight, choosing LOVE, instead of war.
I appreciated that her Dad paid his child support on time and saw her every other weekend. I was thankful for that! We didn't badmouth each other, when the questions eventually came about why we weren't together anymore... she asked him first. It was surprising what she came home to tell me!
He told her all about how HE MESSED UP, listing this and that, sharing we were young and didn't really know what we were doing.
I was shocked! There was no badmouthing at all.
I answered same question... shared how I MESSED UP, listing this and that, sharing that we were young and didn't really know what we were doing. There was no badmouthing. I shared for the first time that we decided we had something in common, we both LOVED HER more than we ever disliked each other. Because we loved her, we were able to raise her peacefully and eventually we didn't even dislike each other anymore either.
I knew people who also were single moms, their children's Dads rarely paid child support, never talked to or saw the kids. I felt very sad for those kids and it made me MORE THANKFUL for my X-Husband, even when he wasn't doing everything right, I was MORE THANKFUL than not.
My daughter shared with me that she NEVER FELT SAD about us not being together, because she felt so loved by both of us.
WE SUCCEEDED IN RAISING HER PEACEFULLY .... TOGETHER!!!
As I thought about that, I realized why it worked...
Why do some children of divorce feel unloved?
Perhaps it's because they perceived the ending of the marriage as an ending to their happiness, they were losing someone too. Yet, both parents love their children.
Fact is, one would have to have more time with the children, if they aren't going to be married anymore. This can leave the parent taking care of the children feeling like they've been left with all the responsibilities and no support. Only if they choose to look at it that way... but if they change their focus to gratitude and love, they'd see they still have support and peaceful successful parenting is still a possibility,
IF THEY CAN LEAVE THE CONFLICT BEHIND, If they decide they LOVE THEIR CHILDREN MORE than they love the fight.
Observe other people in these situations and LOOK at their children's faces when they speak of the other parent. You can observe these things and see how unhealthy it is to drag your children into the fight.
I didn't want my daughter to feel unloved... I focused upon how GOOD THINGS WERE and she learned from me that things were good. Her Dad did the same. When we called PEACE in the name of LOVE of our daughter, what we really did was decide to teach her that she was VERY LOVED BY BOTH OF US.
I suggest QUIET PRESENCE instead of angry words and accusations. Didn't your mama teach you that if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all?
This is the same lesson!
If we had badmouthed each other instead, she would have grown up in the middle of a war between us. She would not have felt loved, because we would have been teaching her that the other doesn't love her enough because of whatever I think they did, etc.
If you choose to fight it out...
KNOW there is NO LOVE for anyone within that choice.
If you LOVE your kids....
MAKE PEACE and Teach them THEY ARE LOVED.
written by: Jennifer Kruse, LMT CRMT
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