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NO FEAR.... written by: Jen Kruse, LMT CRMT

6/27/2011

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Picture
In order to rid yourself of fear, you must first FACE THOSE FEARS!!! 
Fear can only have the power which YOU have given to it!  So IF you have given power to fear in your life, TAKE IT BACK!  
I DO PRACTICE WHAT I PREACH...
 

Today is a landmark day in my life! 
Today.... I SHOW NO FEAR!!!!!

For those who don't know me already, I've been going through a divorce. 
I've been in an abusive marriage. 
Although he did not ever strike me physically, he did pull his fist back at me more than once.  Mostly, he was verbally & emotionally abusive... EXTREMELY CONTROLLING!

For the most part, he had the wool pulled over my eyes throughout our marriage. 
I couldn't understand why other women would get angry and tell him to stop treating or talking to me like that.  Even my older step-sister noticed it years ago while we went on vacation together... but I had a hard time seeing it. 
HOW? 
It had become so normal to me... but it didn't start out that way!
At first, he was PERFECT.... everything I ever wanted or dreamed of in a man. 
Our romance was quick and he rushed me into getting married as soon as he was divorced from his 3rd X-wife.  Stupid?  Yes, I know!

Over time, things got worse and I compromised, I kept compromising until I had no ground left to stand on!  I was standing in the corner on ONE FOOT... attempting to put the other foot down meant I had to RECLAIM GROUND I HAD GIVEN UP!!!

He took any sign of me getting stronger as a THREAT. 
That initiated a response which usually made me stop and give up again.

I will say, it wasn't easy.... but over time, I got stronger and stronger. 
Although, most of the time, it was out of spiteful stubborness and pure necessity! 
I STILL FEARED HIM...  and he KNEW IT. 
We have been separated since October, but still we each hang onto the house, because THAT has alot of equity in it.  My entire life savings went into that house... I had financial value when we married, he had ALOT of debt!
He's attempted to make me feel very uncomfortable there, which he successfully did!

He's attempted to bully me into settling for alot less than I should even consider. 
He knew I have feared him, he was scaring me on purpose, trying to show everyone else MY FEARFUL REACTION.... as he stood there looking innocent. 

He sends messages indicating he's watching me, taking pictures of me, etc. 
He grunts, growls and jumps at me when he walks by.... trying to scare me.  He even cocked his shotgun behind my head in the kitchen one day.
He looks at me like he wants to kill me... and he probably does!
All part of his plan to scare the crap out of me, so that I run scared and give up.

He knows what my weaknesses were... he's been using those to his advantage. 
Here's the thing....
He was SO SURE I would be too scared, too traumatized, too heart-broken, too unfocused to be able to answer the request for documentation for financial info for our entire marriage.  He was banking on that.

Was it hard?  Yes, it was!

Was he right? 

He was right about how I felt, but he should have remembered the woman he married... the woman he had first met.  SHE WAS STUBBORN!!! 
Some people may think being stubborn is a fault. 
It's also a STRENGTH!

It takes courage to stand up and FACE YOUR FEARS...
It takes being stubborn to STAY THERE & LOOK THEM IN THE EYE!
Even more strength to do it all while SMILING!

I FEARED HIM.... Oh yes, I did!
That was MY FEAR.... I gave it the power, I TOOK IT BACK TODAY!!!!!

Last week, I emailed my Husband saying that it's our wedding anniversary in a week, perhaps we could come to an agreement and settle our divorce as an anniversary gift to each other. 
He has repeated himself many times saying,
"I don't care if this takes years, I'M COMFORTABLE."

That's because I was sleeping on the floor in my office.... behind a locked door, which he had a key for, but thought, at least I would hear him coming!  That's only a small part of how uncomfortable I have been over these MANY MONTHS. 

He's a scary man.... strangers look at him and get that impression on their own. 
He uses that as a weapon.  In the past, it worked well for him.

NOT ANYMORE!
Today is our wedding anniversary. 
I have met with my lawyer just about each day and have truly put alot of time and effort into the tasks he was SURE I would not be able to do.  He Banked on that!Knowing that... well, that initiated my stubborn side!  :)

Today, I sent him a message, wishing him a Happy Anniversary!
I assume since we have not come to a settlement, that he has decided he wants to be married to me and therefore, he probably will be taking me out for dinner!
Ha-Ha!  (funny, isn't it?)

I asked him what time I should be ready!
Now, obviously I didn't expect him to take me out for dinner, BUT I did consider the possibility that he COULD CALL ME ON THAT, if he assumed I was bluffing.
Before I sent that message, I decided that IF HE DID...
 I WOULD GO TO DINNER WITH HIM!!!
I would FACE HIM and I would STAY THERE, HOLD MY GROUND while SHOWING HIM he has
NO MORE POWER OVER ME!!!!
 .... even if I had a touch of fear,
I would ENJOY MY USUAL ANNIVERSARY STEAK DINNER, with a SMILE! :) 
I may have even said, "Do you See? I'm NOT going to be scared of you anymore!"

It takes courage to stand up and FACE YOUR FEARS...
It takes being stubborn to STAY THERE & LOOK THEM IN THE EYE!
Even more so... it takes STRENGTH to do it all while SMILING!

It's true...
The Secret of Life.... is having NO FEAR!

written by: Jennifer Kruse, LMT CRMT
www.Aspire2Heal.com
www.JenniferKruse.com


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