Fearing the Worst is the REASON WHY so many relationships FAIL!
especially those without FEAR & DOUBT.
Today one of my friends, posted a comment on my PRO-JEN RALLY blog.
I spent some time FOCUSING ON GRATITUDE this morning, as I gave thanks for Theresa's friendship and ALL my awesome friendships like hers.
THEY LOVE ME, I know that without ANY DOUBT or FEAR,
I've even heard one of them say,
"I WISH I could feel as FEARLESS in my Romantic Relationship."
We can have FEARLESS LOVE there too!
Fearless Love is one in which you don't feel the need to defend yourself because
They Don't Assume the Worst First about you
You Don't Assume the Worst First about them!
Want to better understand what that looks like?
Please see what Theresa wrote to Help LIFT ME UP:
"Jen, I love you. You have always been there when I needed you most to talk to. I love that fact that even though sometimes, we may not have talked for a long time, we pick up as if it was only yesterday that we spoke. You are an inspiration to many people. Just remember that there will always be those "demons" that are out to destroy you. I think that this is a wonderful way for you to get the support that you need right now. Just remember I love you and I am only a phone call away. If you need me to come up to Fargo, just say the word."
Here's part of my reply to her:
"As Moms and busy women, our friendships sometimes seem to get put on the back burner for awhile. We miss our friends & sometimes don't talk or see each other for many months....
We TAKE COMFORT KNOWING that doesn't mean we aren't still close friends.
It only means we are the same,
Both busy tending to others who need us more actively in their lives.
But WHEN PUSH COMES TO SHOVE...
OUR REAL FRIENDS COME OUT OF THE WOODWORK.
It's as if we were never separated for a moment,
picking up right where we left off.
Isn't that a relationship without doubt and fear?
We don't fear contacting each other because we have to explain:
WHY WE HAVEN'T CALLED BEFORE NOW...
It doesn't even enter into our minds, because
We Know & Accept things as they are.
We love each other
We are great friends, that means:
We don't have to have constant contact,
we have our own lives to live too!
Thanks again... my PRO-Jen Rally is EXACTLY what I needed to
LIFT MY SPIRIT UP!
Proud of myself for actually asking for help too! :) Love Ya!"
How much trouble is brought into Relationships simply by worrying about the worst case scenarios?
See how wonderful it can be without all that???
That's when a person is in a relationship in which
YOU ARE FREE to
LIVING YOUR LIFE!
I have one friend whom I recently apologized to for
NOT Loving her Fearlessly.
I was so stuck in the fearful idea that I had to Defend Myself against the Untruths that have been told about me.
Then, I got stuck in the fearful idea that because she wasn't defending me publicly... she didn't care enough.
PERFECT EXAMPLE of how letting FEAR & DOUBT into a relationship can POLLUTE IT and Stink up the place!
I'm so sorry to my Dear Friend... I wasn't seeing that clearly.
She could NOT Prove ANYTHING to me, although she tried to!
She tried to prove that she was my true friend and was always with me.
Unfortunately, my fearful idea had already become a Fearful Belief....
even her attempts to DELIVER PROOF of her Love & Support came across as hurtful in MY PERCEPTION.
I was SO SURE my Fearful Belief was TRUE,
I didn't accept "the pizza" she was trying to deliver to me.
I didn't even notice she had tried to Deliver "a pizza" to me at all.
For New readers, this is referencing a lesson inside my blog entitled:
When You Ask For Change...Will You Accept It?
Her attempts to deliver Proof were perceived to be the opposite, it seemed as if the more I asked for her support, the worse it got!
All because of a Fearful Belief!
Getting Rid of a Fearful Belief
I Had To:
EXPERIENCE THE EMOTIONS
Let myself FEEL sad & alone...instead of stuffing it away because it was unpleasant.
Nobody can stop loving someone else on a dime. If the thought of what they did or didn't do still hurts or angers you, that's how you know... You STILL love them!
Experiencing hurt feelings is something we MUST DO to gain closure and understand what really happened.
CHALLENGE THE IDEAS
Argue against the fearful idea with the GOOD things I already knew from the past!
REJECT THOSE FEARS AS REAL...
because they seemed very real to me. but they were actually hiding something very beautiful.
BELIEVE IN THE GOOD... THAT IS WHAT IS REAL!
I couldn't see it because it was hidden by all the fear.
REJECT WHAT HAPPENED IN THE PAST...
because I wore that Fearful Belief like a veil over my head.
I saw PROOF OF IT where it was NOT.
I saw exactly what I BELIEVED TO BE TRUE.... but it wasn't real.
It was added to every experience with her.... by my own Fear.
That's how deceiving FEAR can be!
All while my friend was tryng to PROVE HER LOVE to me...
I was reacting as if she was hurting me.
I was trying so hard to resist defending myself against my friend...
but there were times.... I still did.
My Reiki Students may recognize THIS as one of the
Lessons in Guided-Learning:
Whenever You Defend... You ATTACK!
This is why Bad Guys Never Realize that THEY are the BAD GUY.
They only see how they are having to defend themselves.... NOT how they are hurting others with their attack.
When THEY React to Your Attack by Defending Self,
They Attack You Back!
You React to THEIR ATTACK by Defending SELF Again... You ATTACK them Again!
This is a CYCLE OF WAR which usually ends in one of the following:
someone gives up, becomes MORE AFRAID of YOUR ATTACKS than they are afraid of Losing the Ground they Stand Upon. They are conquered & Give You WHATEVER YOU DEMAND. You won the ground they stood upon, so now FEAR OF YOUR ATTACKS CONTROLS THEM.
Another form of Surrender, except they RUN AWAY as quickly as they can.
They often may even Surrender first and live on THEIR GROUND for awhile.
They only gave you THEIR GROUND because you DEFEATED THEM, now you live in constant fear of their possible REVOLT! You police THE GROUNDS making sure that doesn't happen! Now they are living ON THEIR GROUND under Your Dictatorship.
When they finally realize they ARE NOT FREE to LIVE their own Lives, they may rise up and try to take back the ground they previously surrendered.
Living as prisoners had become worse than their Fear of Fighting You again.
Sometimes they don't rise up at all.... Living as prisoners had become worse than their Fear of Finding NEW GROUND to Live Free upon.
They just RUN FOR THEIR LIVES, fearing more of the battles from before.
THEY LEAVE the ground they used to fight for.
The ground they LOVED dearly.
The other option in the Cycle of War is....
3.) Become a Hippy. Find ways to make love, NOT war.
Instead of REACTING to what "FEELS LIKE" an Attack...
find ways to MAKE PEACE.
Next time they Attack You... don't attack back.
I'm a Hippy by Nature.... so I've heard this so many times:
"what are you doing Jen? Stop being nice to them! They aren't Nice to you!
They aren't even sorry for what they did! Don't let them get away with this!
Stop being NICE to them, they don't deserve it!"
To Answer the More Recent Questions:
WHY ARE YOU BEING NICE TO THEM?
Because I REALLY AM a NICE Person!
Why Are You Being SO NICE?
Because I'm NOT going to feed this cycle of war, if I don't have to!
They would NEVER do the same for you!
I know... that's EXACTLY WHY I should BE NICE!
They EXPECT ME to be like them,
to REACT LIKE THEY DO,
TO KEEP FIGHTING,
But I DON'T HATE THEM!
I Love Them!
They LOVE ME TOO, they just can't see that right now...
so blinded by all the fear, hurt & anger they feel inside.
It fuels their attacks on me.
I can see just HOW MUCH they STILL LOVE ME!
As much as they HATE ME,
that's HOW MUCH they STILL LOVE ME!
Way I see it...
The Only way to END THIS CYCLE OF WAR...
is to BECOME A HIPPY!
This ALL BEGAN from a Misunderstanding,
which came from someone's FEAR....
perhaps they will see me a bit more clearly,
if I don't react as they would.
Even in a relationship you don't wish to rekindle...
you could STILL MAKE PEACE so the hurt from this experience doesn't fuel their next attack on someone else.
They ONLY ATTACK YOU because they are HURTING.
in their perception... You Did Hurt Them!
I've been ON BOTH SIDES of this!
Cycle of War
In Friendship... the Cycle of War usually results in the Friendship becoming more miserable than it remains enjoyable and they RETREAT.
In this situation, the GROUND they LOVED dearly was YOUR FRIENDSHIP!!!
That's the end of your friendship with them.... and when that happens,
IF YOU DON'T SEE WHAT REALLY HAPPENED....
IT WILL HURT YOU DEEPLY
because YOUR FRIEND Abandoned You!
You believed they REALLY cared for you
it appears as they obviously didn't!
That Hurts so much because YOU LOVED THEM!
You FEEL STUPID for actually believing ALL THEIR LIES about caring about you.
If they really cared, WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
The hurt quickly becomes ANGER...
and the thought of them now brings with it all those feelings of hurt, instead of the FOND MEMORIES of all the good times you had shared together!
I resisted defending myself against my friend, because I KNOW THIS!!!!!
I chose instead to Be a Hippy!
When the Feelings and Emotions kept coming to the surface...
I quickly attempted to dismiss them.
They kept coming back.
I rejected them as true... but it wasn't GONE,
it was only Out of Sight & Out of Mind for a little while.
That's why it kept coming back!
It would keep returning until I ALLOWED MYSELF time to
EXPERIENCE the emotions so I could
IDENTIFY the LESSON the hard time was bringing to my attention.
That's what we are supposed to do!
GO THROUGH IT, so we can
Figure it out... then
LEARN FROM IT,
TRY TO MAKE IT RIGHT,
Be Better Because of It
and then KEEP GOING!
It isn't a good feeling to
Realize What I've Done to MY Friend!
Telling the whole world HOW I SCREWED UP isn't exactly easy either. Why do I keep writing about my screw-ups?
It's hard to realize you were hurting someone you love.
ACCEPTING that AS TRUTH is the BEST WAY
to HONOR MY FRIEND...
whether she forgives me or not.
whether she stays in our friendship or not.
I honor my Love for her,
by allowing the Lesson to MAKE ME BETTER because of it!
By sharing what I learned with others,
they might learn from my mistake too!
They may also become better people & live happier lives ...
All Because of My Mistakes!
All Realized ONLY because I LOVED HER enough to
Argue with My Own Fears,
Choosing to BELIEVE she really is a
AN AMAZING FRIEND!
This is often HOW I FIND GRATITUDE for hard times.
I believe they have the power to make the world a better place for everyone!
If we hide our mistakes, rejecting that we ever made them....
How can anything good ever come from it?
It is MY HOPE that sharing these stories will
HELP YOU in Your Journey through this Life.
Nobody EVER hurts anyone on purpose!
They are simply REACTING to something...
try to figure out what that something is.
TRACE IT BACK... where did it begin?
That's the ROOT CAUSE of the Problem....
PULL OUT THE ROOTS!
and then sigh with relief....
because THAT'S WHEN you will finally
FEEL FREE to
LIVE Your LIFE
written by: Jennifer Kruse, LMT CRMT
Like this article? Jen is available to SPEAK on this topic and many others. As a Holistic Healer and Practitioner of many Alternative Medicine Modalities, Jen helps people connect & understand aspects of SELF in a profound healing experience. Helping YOU Transform Your Life.
Interested in scheduling an Event or Class? Call Jen at (701) 371-3111