HAPPY & LOVED?
Similar to Election Campaigns between Democrats & Republicans:
Each Wants YOU to Choose
THEIR TEAM & when
"Mud-Slinging," Everybody Gets Dirty!
From a Child's Point of View:
A child loves both parents.
Marital causes for divorce are issues between a Husband & Wife.
Parental Problems are issues between a Parent & Child.
Marital Problems are NOT Parental Problems.
When one parent must leave their home, the child feels helpless.
The Child feels Angry with the Situation... NOT the Parent.
Why should the Parent's fight take away one of the parents?
From the Child's perspective...
this Divorce is totally UNFAIR!
As if that wasn't bad enough...
Often the child is raised in a constant TUG OF WAR,
the war between Mom & Dad.
In an attempt to explain THEIR SIDE to the child, they are likely hurting their child further by telling the Child horrible things about each other.
These "horrible things" are often exagerated or completely untrue rantings of a person who is hurting deeply inside of themselves.
I've heard parents telling their Children:
"what he/she did TO US!"
"he/she CHEATED on US!"
"he/she isn't doing right by US!"
"he/she doesn't really LOVE US!"
"he/she doesn't give a crap about US!"
"he/she LIED to US!"
"he/she HURT US."
"WE can't trust 'em!"
"he/she LEFT US!"
This was a MARITAL PROBLEM, remember?
Please watch the "US" statements because...
Marital Problems have NOTHING to do with CHILDREN.
Marital Problems should be rated X...
because they are for ADULTS ONLY!
EVERYTHING NEGATIVE about YOUR EX,
is Rated EX... for ADULTS ONLY!
After My Divorce...
I noticed that "our fighting" and "our personal relationship issues" began to negatively affect my daughter's relationship with each of us!
I had a realization when we separated and called her Dad with it.
"I've realized that I Love my Daughter MORE than I dislike you right now.
I figured you probably feel the same?"
Other points were:
"I propose we make peace with each other,
because we still have a daughter to raise."
"We could continue fighting and raise her in the middle of that,
trying to sway her to MY SIDE or YOUR SIDE...
but nobody wins that fight."
"I'm choosing to join HER TEAM...
who's team are you on?"
He chose HER TEAM too!
TEAM HAPPY FAMILY was broken up in the Divorce.
None of us really felt happy, even though it was supposed to be over.
We felt alone and divided.
When we chose to be on the SAME TEAM again... we functioned as
TEAM PLAYERS for the GOOD OF THE TEAM!
Considering the Child First...
Every time I began to feel upset, due to something my EX was either NOT doing right or at all... I asked myself:
"Is THIS more important than my
The answer was always: NO!
Then I'd let it go without a huge fight...
choosing LOVE, instead of war.
We Teach Our Kids HOW to VIEW THE WORLD...
My daughter was NOT born looking to identify things like:
HOW AM I BEING HURT THIS TIME???
HOW AM I UN-LOVED THIS TIME???
WHEN WILL THIS PERSON LET ME DOWN TOO???
This is a LEARNED BEHAVIOR which usually sets a person up for a very lonely life.
Kids see things through the
PERSPECTIVE WE SHARE WITH THEM!
If I had developed a habit of pointing out where my EX fell short...
then my Daughter would have developed the habit of looking for that in all people!
My Daughter would have LEARNED FROM ME that she was NOT Loved.
That would have only HURT MY CHILD!
To make matters even MORE CLEAR...
Any HURT my daughter felt from that would NOT have come from HER DAD!
It would have come from ME!
I would have been THE ONE who brought it to her attention!
MOST OF THE TIME...
Kids would NEVER NOTICE or THINK ABOUT THINGS in the same way WE DO!
I would NOT teach that to my daughter!
I chose instead to tell my daughter how LUCKY she was to have:
Really COOL Step-Mom!
Really COOL Step-Dad!
TWO PLACES for SANTA to deliver presents to!
(so she got twice the presents!)
She was so lucky!
She had DOUBLE EVERYTHING!
MOST OF ALL...
She had DOUBLE the LOVE!
Everything was talked about in an
Awesome POSITIVE WAY!
POSITIVE RESULTS SHOW...
My daughter was 3 years old when we divorced.
She will be 21 years old next month.
She recently told me that she NEVER felt unloved or unhappy that
her Dad and I weren't together.
When her friends parent's would get divorced and they complained about it...
my daughter said she didn't understand why they were upset!
She thought it was GREAT!
She felt MORE LOVED!
WE SUCCEEDED IN RAISING HER PEACEFULLY .... TOGETHER!!!
Why do some children of divorce feel unloved?
Perhaps it's because they perceived the ending of the marriage as an ending to their happiness, they were losing someone too.
Yet, both parents love their children.
Fact is, one would have to have more time with the children, if they aren't going to be married anymore.
This can leave the parent taking care of the children feeling like
they've been left with all the responsibilities and no support.
Only if they choose to look at it that way...
but if they change their focus to gratitude and love, they'd see they still have support and peaceful successful parenting is still a possibility.
IF THEY CAN LEAVE THE CONFLICT BEHIND,
If they decide they LOVE THEIR CHILDREN MORE than they love the fight.
Observe other people in these situations and LOOK at their
children's faces when they speak of the other parent.
You can observe these things and see how unhealthy it is to drag your children into the fight.
I didn't want my daughter to feel unloved...
I focused upon how GOOD THINGS WERE and she learned from me that things were good.
Her Dad also focused upon how GOOD THINGS WERE and she learned the very same thing from him!
Choosing to be on the KID's TEAM
When we called PEACE in the name of LOVE of our daughter, what we really did was decide to teach her that she was VERY LOVED BY BOTH OF US.
I suggest QUIET PRESENCE instead of angry words and accusations.
Didn't your mama teach you that if you don't have anything nice to say,
don't say it at all?
This is the same lesson!
If we had badmouthed each other instead, she would have grown up in the middle of a war between us.
She would not have felt loved, because we would have been teaching her that the other doesn't love her enough because of whatever we think they did, etc.
If you choose to fight it out...
KNOW there is NO LOVE for anyone within that choice, especially YOUR KIDS!
If you LOVE your kids....
Choose to be on the KID TEAM!
Leave your Rated EX things behind you...
they have no place on a KID's TEAM.
MAKE PEACE and Teach Your Kids that
THEY ARE LOVED!
written by: Jennifer Kruse, LMT CRMT
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