STEP 2: Decide that YOU Deserve to be Treated Better.
STEP 3: Don't Accidentally Make the SAME MISTAKE again!
Seek Understanding... How Did YOU End Up with a Controlling Husband?
Identify HOW it Happened = Don't Do It Again!
I used to shake my head, as I thought:
"Why does she put up with that?"
"Why is she letting him CONTROL HER?"
"I would NEVER let a man do that to me!"
Although, I never wondered:
"How did it Happen?"
Maybe if I had wondered about that...
I would have AVOIDED getting a "Controlling Husband" of my very own!
I remember my friend protesting, stomping her feet & pitching a fit...
Watching as I started "being controlled" in my new relationship.
She even ASKED ME those top two questions!
"Why do you let him talk to you like that?"
"Why are you letting him CONTROL YOU?"
"He's CHANGING YOU... can't you see that?"
Maybe if my friend had wondered: "How did it Happen?"
She could have AVOIDED getting a "Controlling Husband" of her very own too!
In my previous blog:
When It Feels Like Your Heart is Breaking
I shared the advice I gave to MY FRIEND... same friend!
I will continue sharing the advice I am giving to MY FRIEND below...
Hopefully others will LEARN from OUR MISTAKES! :)
My Friend shared:
"My husband left me based on me telling a lie about where I was one night, and then a couple weeks later he was lied to by someone or somebody else, which added fuel to the fire and set him off.
My lie was for selfish reasons,
but I did not cheat on him, and in fact, wasn't even a thought.
My husband has been insecure when it comes to me for a long time...
a lot of it, I blew off, because it was him...
he feels I lied to him before, but I didn't.
I should of just told him where I was going or where I was that night, but again, I was selfish in my thoughts and really wanted to be where I was, with my friends.
Was it worth my marriage, NO, not really.
I really do love my husband.
I did hold him on a higher pedestal than anyone else.
I adored him for everything.
I married my soul mate, best friend, companion and lover...and this is what I told everybody.
People thought I was crazy to get married in Iraq, but I knew from the inside out, he, my husband was the one I had been waiting for.
But, what he has become, a dark, angry and bitter person,
I don't want that...not at all.
I woke up the other day and I felt like I could breathe again.
hanging out with old friends, making new friends, singing, dancing, smiling and laughing, all in which I haven't really done in a long time and
it felt wonderful.
My husband isn't coming back, mostly because I don't want him now.
He is hurt, okay, well, so am I and you don't see me doing all kinds of dirty things, especially toying with my son's feelings and emotions...
at this point he has put me into Mama Bear protecting her young...
He needs help, as do I, but at least I am trying
was trying as far as counseling during our marriage.
The first time we went to marriage counseling, and I watched him walk out, I should of just let him go as far away as he could from me,
but no, I loved him and I wanted us to work it out...
He has left me alone, abandoned at some crucial points of life...
and honestly, he needs that...not I.
I need a Standing Man and not a Running Boy.
So now, I am detaching myself and I am content with my decision.
I love him enough to let him go, because that is what he wants.
What I want, doesn't matter, because it takes two people and he isn't capable of what I want.
He can't even be mature about it...but oh well!
I am not going to do anything that I regret...
one's actions define themselves
his definition is not very good right now.
I wish the best for him and until it is completely over, the lawyers will handle it and that's it.
I am a good person, beautiful, witty, intelligent, gifted and full of life enough to spread to others." ____________________________
After reading what happened in your marriage... I UNDERSTAND!
BEEN THERE....DONE THAT!
You've already given him EVERYTHING you could...
you gave him so much that "You Lost Yourself" in the process.
You lied to him... just to BE YOU for a little while?
To do something truly innocent, just hanging out with friends???
If You felt you HAD TO LIE...
"time with your friends" was surrendered to him quite awhile ago.
That Identifies him as a "Controlling Husband."
I'm glad you've realized you DON'T WANT a "Controlling Husband" anymore... The Important thing here is to see the WHOLE PICTURE.
"How did it Happen?"
He already had CONTROL OVER YOU...
Did he physically "beat you" to get it?
Did you GIVE IT to him?
Since you didn't mention any physical abuse...
I assume that it's what happened in my marriage.
I loved my Husband and wanted it to work between us.
When he was upset about something...
I COMPROMISED, making a small change.
I LOVINGLY COMPROMISED over and over again,
I didn't realize that my LITTLE COMPROMISES were really adding up!
I compromised myself into a corner...
I had given up so much ground,
that I was standing only on ONE FOOT!
I was VERY uncomfortable...
but I LOVED MY HUSBAND.
When I tried to take some of my ground back, I put both of my feet on the ground.
I allowed myself to BE ME for a little while.... IT FELT GREAT!!!!
If I wanted to go somewhere, just to visit my Mother, I'd always make sure it was OK with him. Even with his approval, his attitude was so crappy when I came home!
I felt like I was BEING PUNISHED just for coming home!
After so many years, I started dragging my feet coming home...
Literally cringing at the thought of being punished with his
"crabbiness" when I got home.
I know how you feel...
It feels good to BE ME again!
Interesting that BOTH OF THEM are Military Men.
If you looked for information on Military PTSD, you'd find that these situations are described there.
If you looked up the information on "Abusive Husbands," you'd find that they are described as always very wonderful in the beginning.
He doesn't think he was a "Controlling Husband."
Your Husband probably doesn't either!
Perhaps THEY should also be asking themselves:
"How did it Happen?"
You gave him TOO MUCH,
you were becoming someone who is NOT really you.
You stopped LIVING YOUR LIFE...
to Have a Life with Him.
That's WHERE it started to go wrong!
You were trying to make him Happy...
but you can't give Happiness to an Unhappy Person!
They don't know what Happiness is...
not until they find it within themselves.
Now we can AVOID making that mistake again!
I still believe that is something that is FIXABLE,
but it TAKES TWO to Mend it!
written by: Jennifer Kruse, LMT CRMT
click here to Visit Jen's Blog!
Jen is available to SPEAK on this topic and many others.
As a Holistic Healer, Teacher & Practitioner of many Alternative Medicine Modalities...
Jen Helps People Connect & Understand Aspects of SELF
in a Profound Healing Experience.
Helping YOU Transform Your Life!
Interested in scheduling an Event or Class?
Call Jen at (701) 371-3111